Apart from the week of the last entry, I haven't had much urge to paint. My brushes lay dry, and I don't really mind. That's just weird. I don't right about not feeling right. I was a full time artist (translation: "spoiled painter who wastes copious amounts of time") for almost a year before going to work part time at the restaurant. My 3 day a week schedule left me enough time to work on things, but not enough to waste. Maybe the 5 month transition from full time to part time to no time artist was what has saved me from choking.

I just feel like I've given up. I use my weekend to do some chores and slack off. Being the type B- personality I am, I need a LOT of time to waste to keep sane. Well, that and meds. Structured time for correspondence, webpage/blog/Facebook updates, finding and entering shows, and free hours to play with paint while I'm inspired and before it dries- I'm not motivated to make that fit. I can't say that it doesn't fit- it would it I wanted it to. My time is my responsibility. It's just easier not to. I feel as though I wasn't serious enough in the first place. I have true distaste for the marketing and correspondence part of the business. Most artists do, but the successful ones do it anyway, and competently. I tried, but it wasn't enough.

So now I'm a full time sous chef at a popular breakfast restaurant. I like it. Contrary to my employment at the bank, I'm not depressed on Tuesday nights (Tuesdays are my Sundays now) like I was on Sunday nights, knowing that I had to go back to grey cubicle prison the next day. I don't dread anything going to work now. I don't mind going to work. The only thing I don't like is the alarm clock, but I'm confident that's universal. Cooking is what I do now, and that's ok. And yet,that's not ok.

I've neatened my desk and painting areas recently- they've been stacking up with bits of other projects, and stuff I need to put away. I culled through my collections of ephemera- the general, wood, metal, and paper, and got rid of some things that don't interest me anymore. That part felt good- streamlining; letting go. Now I'm thinking I might fold the easel up for now. The plants that it's been blocking for a year need some love. And maybe that will let more air and light into the room- give me more room to breathe. Maybe it won't feel so... heavy; so obviously ignored.

But in the back of my head, I feel like I'm quitting, and that I never really was an artist to begin with. I've only been at this a few years- I can't "need a break." Maybe just a break from feeling guilty about not putting a satisfactory amount of time and effort into promoting myself.

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I was inspired to pick up a brush again for the first time in 3 months. That's how long I've been working full time at the restaurant. A normal person's 2 day weekend isn't enough time for me to complete necessary tasks and have some time to paint, so around New Year's I stayed up too late for 3 days running and played with texture. I knew I wanted to do some touch-ups on the piece that's been idle on the easel for that long, but I couldn't figure out what to do with it after that. I might call it done. I decided that it would be easier to start fresh, so I took out the only canvas I had stretched and began to pursue an idea I'd had before. Between a couple of layers of paint I have strands of thread, string, yarn, fishing line and embroidery floss among copious drips of paint and different glues. These will be painted over several times, and more layers added before the buildings are added. All this texture is falling rain- it's winter in Portland..

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This year, the Big 100 show has officially turned into the Big 200 show, with more than 250 artists participating. I have 10 8x8" pieces in it. 9 of them I put together an attached to a Monopoly board, painting them as one. I altered the composition of the whole so that each panel could stand alone. I'm pleased with how they came out, and hope they sell.

The show is at Settlement Galleries in Pioneer Mall in downtown Portland on the 3rd floor across the skybridge from the movie theater. 2pm-10pm. All art is 8"x8" originals and are $40. Cash (or credit) and carry.

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No, really. I've been offered a promotion to sous chef at Sanborn's- the restaurant where I've been enjoying working in the kitchen on weekends since May. The sous chef of 5 years moved on, and the new one didn't work out, so the owner offered me the position. It's a hell of a compliment. It was a no-brainer to give him an answer. I love to cook, I want to learn more, it's a gift of an opportunity, and lord knows we need to additional income.

There's only one downside: it's full time, so I'm back to 2 day weekends for the first time in 6 years (yes, I've been a spoiled brat). And I have this "art thing" that I've been pursuing for several years; slowly making progress. The 3 day work week I've had since May has been great for helping me focus my energy on the other 4 days. Now that will have to be squashed into 2 days and some afternoons, along with the necessities of laundry, grocery shopping and the like.

Obviously this will alter things. I haven't kept a set schedule for painting days, but having less time to do the same stuff will... present a challenge. One that I don't know if I'm up to . I'm not a type A personality that requires a day planner to be surgically implanted. I'm more of a type B- or a C+. I enjoy unscheduled down time, and lots of it. I'm good at it.

I'm effectively taking a hard right with my career path. SCREEEECH! I've signed on for a long term commitment with opportunity for advancement. I can't have 2 #1 career priorities. It's a scary fork in the road. It's too good an offer to pass up. But how am I going to advance my art career and attend weekend shows when I'll be tied to the griddle?

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Grants! Grant Dollars! I've been looking online for grant opportunities. I know that there's money out there, I just have to figure out how to get to them. I'm looking for help with medical expenses, as I've recently been diagnosed with a cataract. 36 is way too early for that to be normal, and I have none of the common causes: diabetes, smoking, corticosteroid use, eye injury, etc. Not only is my right eye blurry, but I have to find out why it's blurry. More doctor bills! The only way to fix it is with surgery (doctors remove the cloudy lens and put in a clear plastic one), which I don't have medical insurance for. The cataract will only get worse.

I've widened my search from just medical emergencies to all art grants. It's mind boggling. Every website I go to has a dozen or more grants or a dozen subdirectories with more grants. Most are quite specific, and I don't qualify. I don't know which is harder- wrapping my brain around how many opportunities there are, or that 99% of them aren't a match for me.

To add insult to injury, I'm reading through all this info while wearing the glasses I got yesterday- no correction in the left eye, and +4 in the right. I hope my brain figures out how to use them, because at the moment it's easier to see without them.
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I've taken some paintings to a professional photographer, and have updated the new images for 5 of them: What Matters, B&B, Vestiges, Good Enough, and Build Up. I'm really excited about having professional quality photos- I don't have the equipment or know-how to do that myself. Thanks to Dave at Perceptual Intent for his work!
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I'm proud to be part of this years Siren Nation fest- it should be a fun event! In it I have the world's smallest retrospective: Cityscape 2 (2007), Cityscape 60 (Feb 2010), and Cityscape 135 (last month). I guess I've been busy!

http://sirennation.org/2011/08

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You can come see me and buy paintings on each First Thursday from April through November on NW 13th Ave at Hoyt. I'm in space #110.
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Here it is- my new and very much improved website. This has more info, more variety, and more images than the last one.
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